"It's STIFLING in here!"

First, thanks to everyone who came out to my art opening at Horseshoes & Handgrenades last Friday. I was super stoked about the turn-out. I was totally crunked, of course...so I might not even be remembering everyone who showed! HA! It was actually my VERY FIRST solo exhibit (at 34 years old) and so I would be remiss to not single out Mike and say thanks to him too. He really has an awesome boutique over there. A lot of my friends who came to support the show are saying they want to run by later and check out his cool shiz.

I remember a time when I metaphorically unzipped my Jams' skin suit, climbed out..leaving it behind to just paint. Paint in my hair, on my hands, clothes, face, floor, wall. I got into the shit. I just didn't give a fuck! I painted to be painting. It was an almost spiritual thing for me.

Now, I can't escape the confines of my own skull. I am sitting around inside my head wondering if it's good enough, feeling frustrated with the paint, trying to stay tidy, thinking about what others might think. That's bullshit and I don't know when I lost my way. I'm going to find it though.

As an artist, I want to devote all of my time to my shiz. I don't want to travel the 1 1/2 hours in a stuffy ass outfit, all business casual, covering my tattoos as best I can, sitting at a desk under florescent bulbs, typing on my government issue computer, discussing fruits and vegetables with people like it's a matter of national security. I want to be in the studio...painting, I want to work on my "Babycakes" sculpture, I want to hook up with the models I have lined up so I can finally get my shit out on canvas. I want to do my full size lady sculpture I have been thinking about for the last 2 years.

The only way I can do that is if I start making more money with my art.

That's where my problem begins...If I think about "is anyone gonna wanna hang this damn thing over their couch?" while I'm painting...I lose my edge. If I stress on the money making aspect of the art, I enjoy it less and put unnecessary pressure on something I just love to do.

So, I desperately want to paint a "fatty" with no shirt, tattoos, holding an ice cream cone and am going to go a little different by putting him in an actual setting. I usually just make the subject the focus and forego any background. I might have found a model and am looking forward to getting started. This isn't something someone would want to have hanging over the family dinner table but I don't care anymore. If I keep it forever, he'll be mine and a reminder of when I finally "found my way" again.