Where do I begin?
On April 11th, 2012 at about 1645 hours; I found myself doing the "peepee" dance in my work chair and decided I should remedy the discomfort. I grabbed the key to the ladies room (our bathroom is locked from public access) and headed that way.
Now, as all of you know; I have had issues with this bathroom. Maybe I am not made to share a bathroom with 20 different women. Maybe these bizotches are just NASTY.
Just to give you an idea, our bathroom has 4 stalls. The last one in the row is triple the size of the other three and has it's own sink. I prefer this stall as I feel unrestricted and tend to feel claustrophobic when my knees hit the stalldoor as I pee. As luck would have it, this stall's open door beckoned to me and I happily skipped in, shutting the door behind me. Yeah, it doesn't take a whole lot to brighten my spirits. BUT!...
The nightmare began when I turned around to sit onto the toilet. Thankfully, a black interruption of the clean white porcelin of the seat caught my eye in the knick of time before I rested down. I jumped up with a startled scream. First, I was elated to finally be screaming like a lady should. Usually, when scared...I let out a low, gutteral man yell. It's always embarassed me and something I have tried to change for years. Secondly, I just couldn't believe my eyes. There layeth a wayward nugget upon the shiny clean porcelin!
I stood there with my dress gathered up within my arms, naked ass hanging out, staring at this terd and trying to wrap my mind around the horror of what I was seeing. I mean, I wasn't in some rest stop bathroom deep within the state of Arkansas! I was in a government bathroom, shared by other federal government employees, all of which are grown women. To my knowledge, none of these so called "ladies" are homeless, gorillas convincingly disguised as people, or patients in an insane asylum with feces fetishes. Thoughts rushed through my brain like, "Maybe they had a "clinger" they weren't aware of and as they wiped, they flipped it onto the seat. But ok...why didn't they wipe it off then? Maybe I should wipe it off. Hellllz no! Well, I mean...I wouldn't be touching it, I'd use a tissue. Eff that! That isn't in my job description. Dang! These women are nasty! I wonder who the culprit is? Chris did seem to be noticeably clinching today when I saw her in the hall. This is insane! Why is that terd so black? I think I read somewhere that high-iron diets cause dark terds. Wait, wasn't there also an article that dark poo points to internal bleeding?"
I took one last close inspection....actually, I can't lie...I took a close-up picture of it; but, when I got closer and noticed the consistency of the terd and color differences, I started dry heaving and felt dirty in its very presence. I start imagining the terd as alive and animated, jumping up from "playing dead" and spreading it's poo on me. I ran out the stall and closed it in behind me. (Yes, I have wondered if I am schizophrenic as opposed to just having a great imagination).
I am determined to find the shitter. I have thought about making wanted posters. I have defintely tried to gather clues. Here's what I have so far. The fecal matter in question was laid between the hours of 3:30 pm and 4:15 pm. The owner of this ass candy has a high-iron diet, or is internally bleeding. I have an eyewitness to this event that places the "fart demon" present at 4:15 but claims the bathroom was empty besides her. I believe she can be cleared as a suspect after witnessing her obvious disgust as well.
I believe the creme bru poop was removed by housekeeping staff that evening and I am sure that they were thinking, "Mira, Marcela! 'Deez gringas iz soooo desagradable!"
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